This blog is the second of a series, the first being Selfie “A Reflection”, and this second one, Selfie “A Rebuild.”
After that very intense reflection time in my life it was evident that an immediate rebuild was needed in my personal life as well as my marriage. It was my determination to fall at Jesus’ feet and trust HIM daily for whatever it took to restore my personal identity in Christ and my marriage. With that decision, came a strong awareness that this rebuild was not going to be instant or easy.
At the beginning of this construction process we both had full time jobs; mine being teaching and his military. Knowing that my husband’s communication had not been normal since his return from Vietnam, I realized that intentional planning was needed for an environment where he was relaxed and comfortable. I knew also that it was important for me to lean in to something he liked and show genuine interest in learning about his hobby. His hobby was bass fishing and there was a lake only 10 minutes from our house. For an hour each day after work we went fishing; sometimes catching fish, talking or sometimes just being silent. This regular activity of scheduled time together and my participation in something he liked brought opportunities for healing conversations and even improved our connection with one another.
Another favorite pastime for my husband was repairing broken items . We put those items on the workbench in the garage and he loved the challenge of fixing them each evening. Sometimes he would work on fishing gear but he could always be found at that area in the evenings. Each evening after our children were asleep, I sat on a stool by his work bench for quality time together.
These two activities provided regular opportunities for me to connect with my husband, even if it was just sitting by his side. I was present, available and that investment of quality time paid off. The combination of intentional time spent plus a lot of prayer created a culture of trust and camaraderie in our marriage. Over the years we continued these planned times together adjusting them to the different places we lived. One of the most unusual places was laying on top of a 14 foot concrete cistern in Tharaka, Africa each evening looking at the stars which are so visible when no natural light is present.
The rebuild for myself was a daily discipline of reading the Bible, writing my thoughts in a journal and prayer. Being aware of the challenge of finding quiet time with long hours and young children, I found creative ways to make most of it happen each day. Whenever there was a teacher break time, child’s nap or children playing independently, I grabbed that time to read or write thoughts. Development of a habit that I still have today was meditation over a scripture passage and prayer when I washed dishes. After consistent small daily habits of renewing my mind and heart with the truth of scripture I became stronger in my faith. Gradually I became more confident and secure about who I was in Christ. Those disciplines are still part of my routine today although I have many more hours to invest.
Basic scriptures that were helpful to me in those early years of “Rebuild” are these:
Forgiveness of self: Psalm 103:12
“as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.”Forgiveness of others: Ephesians 4:32
“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Identity: 2nd Corinthians 5:17
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
Peace: Isaiah 26:3
“You will keep in perfect peace, those whose minds are steadfast,
because they trust in you.”Anxiety: Philippians 4:6
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”
Yes, some of that journey took years but all of it was so redemptive for myself, family and others I have had the privilege to help since then. Most of all, those early decisions of reflection and rebuild resulted in a healthy 61 years of marriage. I continue, like James 1:24 says, to reflect and rebuild.
23 Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror 24 and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. 25 But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.
James 1:23- 25
